Category: Animals


A Dog’s Normal Day

1. Rise at 5:30 and Wet-nose the master.

2. Go you and Pee on the world.

3. Make Poopy.

4. Sniff Poopy.

5. Seriously consider eating poopy.

6. Eat funny looking bug instead.

7. Throw up bug parts on living room rug.

8. Drink out of ‘magic well’

9. Sleep for 17 hours. Start process over.

(Optional: 10. Roll around in filth and lavish master with kisses.)

Patrick the Bartender

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. As he’s enjoying his drink, the bartender says, “You know, I built this very bar with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the barbuilder”.

The guy just sits enjoying his drink and says, “that’s too bad” in a non-enthusiastic voice. The guy finishes his drink, orders another one and about 5 minutes later the bartender says, “I built these stools with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the Stoolbuilder”.

The guy just shrugs it off again and keeps drinking his drink and about 5 mintutes later the bartender says, “I built this countertop with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the countertopbuilder”.

The guy does the same thing and keeps enjoying his drink. A minute later the bartender says, “But you fuck one sheep.”

Can We Talk?

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, “May we talk? … I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”

The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”

The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first … A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow excretes big patties, and the horse excretes clumps of dried grass … Why is that?”

The first guy says, “Gee, I don’t know.”

The other guy says, “Oh? … Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you really don’t know shit?”

talking animals

Two horses start talking to each other and the first one says, “I keep coming last in my race and I’m knackered.”

The next one replies, “Me too I feel like dog food!”

Just then a dog walks by and says, “What your problem is is that you keep on sprinting at the start and you are too tired you should pace yourselves.

Then the 1st horse says, “Bugger me, a talking dog!”

Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George Dubya being in the White House. The old man said, “Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said, “When you’re driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle. You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down.”

John and Jason Hunting

There are these two hunters, John and Jason. One day John and Jason go hunting at about 3:00 p.m. and at 8:00 p.m. with no luck thus far they decided to go two seperate ways. Jason goes left and John goes right. Jason pulls out beer and starts walking as John starts walking off too. At about ten beers later, Jason has to take a shit so he puts down his beer and pulls down his pants and starts to go … in the middle he passes out. John meanwhile caught a huge deer and decided to bring it back Jason’s way. He find’s Jason about two hours later passed out, So he decides not to wake Jason, but he does gut the deer right there and drag the deer back to the truck. About 1.5 hours later, Jason comes stumbling back to the truck all bloody and smelling rotten and says to John, “You will never believe what happened. I was drinking and I went to shit and passed out and when I got back up, I saw my guts laying all over the ground, but with the love of God and my two fingers, I managed to get them all back where they came from.”

Good Engineering Lasts Forever!

There has been the contention that the US railroad gauge is NOT the same as the English, but the story is still very humorous.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did “they” use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet-8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses.

Thus we have the answer to the original question. Now for the twist to the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on it’s launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB’s might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ rumps.

So, a major design feature of what is arguably the worlds most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass!

Don’t you just love engineering?

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An elderly woman decided to make chocolate chip cookies for her next-door neighbors. Being that she had very poor eyesight, she grabbed a bag of bullets instead of chocolate chips and poured them in the batter. She went next-door gave the cookies to the mother, who then gave them to her three children. Later that day, one child went up to the mother and said, “Mommy, mommy, there’s a bullet in the toilet!” The mother told her not to worry about it, she’ll take it out later. A few minutes after, the second child went to the mother and exclaimed that she also had found a bullet in the toilet. Again the mother said she would take care of it. Lastly, the third child approached the mother saying, “Mommy, mommy!” “Lemme guess, there’s a bullet in the toilet?,” interrupted the mother. “No,” said the child, “I just farted and I shot the dog!”