Category: Family

Super Bowl Sunday

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He’s closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he is to the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”

The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”

The man replies, “well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.”

“Well, that’s really sad,” said Joe, “but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

Advanced Baby Talk

A baby was born so advanced he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the Doctor. “Are you my Doctor?” he asked. “Yes,I am.” the Doctor replied. The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?” “Yes I am.”She said. “Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born.” he said.

He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?” “Yes I am.” his father answered. The baby motioned him close. Then the baby poked him on the forehead with his index finger five times saying, “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”

A Couple of Jack Daniels …

An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

“What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.

“And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

Egg Timer

Mark: “You know Joe, I made love to my wife last night for the first time in two months!”

Joe: “Two months?! That’s a long time! I’m really glad to hear that things are better for you and your wife.”

Mark: “Well … actually we almost made love.”

Joe: “ALMOST?! How can you ALMOST make love?”

Mark: “Well, I found out afterwards that my wife was just using me to time an egg.”

Wanna Bet

Three guys working on a high rise building project, Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says,”Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bill says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.” Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me, Charlie.”

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer.”

Bill says,” Well not exactly, I said to her, when she answered the door, “You must be Steve’s widow.”

She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a 6-pack?”

I’ve Done A Very Bad Thing

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. They’re fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”

As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says “Mommy, I’ve done a very weird thing!”

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, “I passed a bullet into the toilet.”

The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

The mother says, “Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, “Yes, how did you know?”

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

“You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”

“No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!”

It’s Academic, REALLY

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

THE REPLY:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

Son-in-Law

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?!” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 38 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

What are you doing?!” he exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 38 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. What are you doing?” she asked.

He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law.”

Marriage One-Liners

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
— Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
— Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”
— Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a for giving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.