Category: Family


Brown Balls

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc’s with a rash on his belly. “All right” says the Doc, “drop ’em and let’s have a look.” Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims “Yes, you’ve got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you’ve got. They’re truly remarkable!”.

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says “Look Doc, what about the rash?”

“Oh that’s easy,” said the Doc, “Here’s some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, may I ask …”

“No,” said the patient, “You can’t. Now, is that all Doc?”

“Well, ” said the Doctor, “You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I’ve ever seen!”

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day. “What?” she yells, “Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven’t even got time to wipe my arse!”

“Ah” he said, “And that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about …”

Children’s Books That Weren’t

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who died from eating all his vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Timothy
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-it Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Dogs go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s it, I’m putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
19. You were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster … And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry.

Rich Man’s Will

The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:

“To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million.

“To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business and $1 million.

“And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!”

White Wedding

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

“Dad why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”

Dating and Marriage

When you are dating … Farting is never an issue
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband … at all times

When you are dating … He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married … He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating … He holds your hand in public
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married … You think to yourself … “Was he ALWAYS this hairy?”

When you are dating … You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married … You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone?”

When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you … for no reason
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married … You wonder who will die first

When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all mushy”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating … He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare

When you are dating … He calls you by name
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

What Did Santa Say?

It was with particular urgency that little Johnny dragged his mother to the toy department of a big Sydney department store at Christmas.

Mother quickly steered Johnny into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Johnny was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Johnny vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse.

His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Johnny ignored her. She began to beg; Johnny paid no attention. She began to make promises of chocolates, etc., if only Johnny would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Johnny’s mother, “Perhaps I can persuade your son to co-operate.”

“I doubt that,” said the mother, “But you’re welcome to try.”

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Johnny’s ear. Johnny’s eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother’s hand.

Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Johnny what Santa had whispered to him. Johnny was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and Chocolate cake) if Johnny would only tell Mama what Santa’s words were.

Johnny turned pale and wouldn’t utter a word. What had Santa said?

Johnny’s mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Johnny. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Johnny’s stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Johnny now answered: “He said, ‘Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don’t climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I’m going to kick the living piss out of you!'”

The 10th Child

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for a moment, then she said, “Yes, yes he did.”

The old man was shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he expected.

With a tear in his eye, he asked, “Who?, Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth.

Then, finally, she says, “You.”

Two Story House

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”

“Because,” the man says,”I live in a two-story house.”

The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”

The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.'”

I Know The Whole Truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”