A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move. “No thank you,” she said politely.”
“This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?”
The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.”
The husband looks shocked, “WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor looks faint, “That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”
“Oh,” says the husband looking very stupid.
“And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said. Don’t screw up.”
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father of the baby.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse, and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his family’s house. Their three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did today?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you are not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
One day Little Johnny was playing in his room when his Dad came up to talk to him. Johnny’s Dad explained to Johnny that he and Mommy were getting a divorce.
“Why Daddy, why?” Johnny asked, confused.
“Well,” explained Johnny’s Dad, “Your mother and I are no longer in love.”
Even more confused, Johnny asks, “What does being in love mean?”
“Well Johnny,” replied Dad, “let me give you an example. A Father is coming home from work, and his wife is as anxious and excited to meet him as he is when he gets home. So they both embrace and kiss at the door, right when they meet. That’s love, but Mommy and me have lost that.”
“But Daddy, I see mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home,” Explained Johnny, “That means she must still be in love with you.”
“I don’t understand Johnny,” asked Johnny’s Dad, “Mommy gets excited?”
“Well, sometimes when Mommys still sleeping in the bed with the postman and you pull in to the driveway, I can hear her wake up and shout at the top of her lungs, ‘Oh my god, my husband’s home! My husband’s home!'”
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick … a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
“Anyway”, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go … I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel … I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats … they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it
was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.
“My dad’s so fast,” said one boy, “that he can fire an arrow at a tree, run like buggery and catch the arrow before it hits it.”
“My dad’s faster than that” said the second kid. “He can drop a brick from the tenth floor of a building and run down the stairs and catch it before it hits the ground.”
“My dad’s faster than your dads,” said the third kid. “He works for the City. He knocks off at five and he’s always home by two-thirty.”
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one — a real SWEET POTATO whom they called “YAM”.
They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. She said not to worry — no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped. She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.
Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to “Idaho P.U.” – that’s Potato University – where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she’d really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn’t marry him because he’s just a …
COMMON TATOR!!!!!!!!!
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on.” So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room, she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!