Category: Family

What’s in the Pocket?

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long. But ya gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The man replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”

Shakespearean Insult

A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees two cowboys walk by.

“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at thoses bow legged bastards!”

The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, “I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.”

Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and once again the child yells, “Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

“Thats it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.

Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park.

As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.

The boy turns to his father and says, “Father, what strange men are these, whose balls hang in parenthesis?”

Pancakes

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

Doctor’s Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

“I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Hiking Pays

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.

“Easy, Dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”

“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth,” Johnny replied. “Every night you were gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you”.

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”

Mom …

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven’t eaten in 38 days. Replying with concern, the son asks “what’s the matter Mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?” Mom replies, not that, “I didn’t want to have my mouth full of food when you called.”

Hello …

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me …”