A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
“Dad why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
Q: Whats the difference between a woman and a computer ?
A: A computer won’t laugh at a three and a half inch floppy.
Q: Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
A: They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do splits.
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes … BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam & ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina …
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
She puts on one of those pads with “wings,” then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
She’s developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
She retains more water than Lake Superior.
She denies she’s in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and “chambers one.”
She buys you a new T-shirt — with a bulls-eye on the front.
You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, “All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?”
She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they’re out of Diet Coke.
Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don’t know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
The third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.
The usual guy walks into the usual bar
Q: Why do women fart after they take a piss?
A: They can’t shake it, so they blow it dry.
Q: If a man who dresses in women’s clothes is called a transvestite, then what is a woman who dresses in men’s clothing called?
A: A Feminist
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.