Category: Holidays


Halloween

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP … BUMP … BUMP … behind him.

Walking faster he looks back and makes our the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him … BUMP … BUMP … BUMP …

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him … faster … faster … BUMP … BUMP … BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping … clappity-BUMP … clappity-BUMP … clappity-BUMP … on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything … but all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin …

… and of course, … the coffin stops!

Sex or Christmas?

A couple who are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant are reminiscing about times past. After having mentioned all the wonderful moments of their full and happy life together, the old man says, “You know, I still love the sex we have together, darling.”

After a couple of minutes thinking about this, the wife replies, “Well, yup, me too, but I think I prefer Christmas.”

Somewhat taken aback, the husband retorts, “Don’t you prefer the sex?”

“Difficult to say,” says the old lady, “but Christmas does comes round more often”.

Fruitcake Recipe

You’ll need the following:

1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.

Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt.

Or something.

Who cares.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?