Category: Insults


Proof of Stupidity

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”. (Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside”. (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how …?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.” (But it’s *just* a suggestion)

5. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box) “Do not turn upside down”. (Oops, too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating”. (As night follows the day …)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body”. (But wouldn’t this save even more time?)

8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness”. (One would hope)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only”. (As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use”. (I gotta admit, I’m curious).

12. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts”. (NEWS FLASH,Hello!)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: Fly Delta).

14. On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”. (I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”. (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?)

How to be Offensive at Weddings

1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic.

7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

8. Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.

9. Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

10. Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.

11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”

14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

15. Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.

16. Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”

17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

18. If there’s a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell hin that he has to wear one yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.

19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”

Ya mama

Ya mama is so fat she has to use a mattress to wipe her butt.

Ya mama is so ugly she looked out the windows and got arrested for mooning.

Ya mama is so fat she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad.

Ya mama is so ugly when she went in a haunted house she came out with application.

Americans vs. Frenchmen

A French man is having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: “You French folk eat the whole bread?”

Frenchman (in a bad mood): “Of course.”

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what is inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to France.” The American has a smirk on his face.

The Frenchman listens in silence.

The American insists: “D’ya eat jelly with the bread?”

Frenchman: “Of course.”

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) “We don’t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France.”

The Frenchman then asks: “And what do you do with condoms once you’ve used them?”

American: “We throw them away, of course.”

Frenchman: “We don’t. In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America.”

Blonde Beautys

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: “Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong!”

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said “concentrate.”

Q: Why can’t blondes take coffee breaks?
A: They’re too hard to retrain.

Q: What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: Why can’t blondes be pharmacists?
A: Because they can’t fit the bottle in the typewriter.

Q: What’s the definition of eternity?
A: Four blondes at a 4-way stop.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
A: An air pocket.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: “This goes in front”

Q: Why did the blonde have bruises on her belly button?
A: Cause some guys are blonde, too.

And the best one for last …

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: “OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!”