Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The vulture has the courtesy to wait until you are dead.
Category: Lawyers
Lawyer and God
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
Legal Genie
A man walks into a lawyers office and sits himself down and asks, “How much?”
“$150 for three questions.”
“That’s quite expensive. Are you any good?”
“The best there is. Now then, what’s your third question?”
Generous Barber
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying “I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man – you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying “I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man – you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying “I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man – you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
Microwave Lawyer
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.
Lawyer Weight
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
Lawyer in a Tree
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Lawyer Car Accident
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my new BMW!!!”, he shrieked.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”
“Oh my Gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. “We gotta find it. It has my Rolex???!!!!!”
1000 Lawyers
What do you call 1000 lawyers chained together under the sea?
A good start.
Happy Hour Law
At the height of happy hour, a drunk stood up and yelled, “All lawyers are assholes.”
“Hey, I resent that,” a guy at the bar yelled back.
Why?” the first guy asked, “are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”