Category: Miscellaneous

Two muffins were in the oven and one muffin said to the other, “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”

Then, the other muffin yelled,”AHHHHHH! A talking muffin?”

Once for a vaction my Aunt Pat and Uncle Don were driving down to Florida and they saw a hitch hiker. He was well-dressed and looked nice, he even had a brief case. My Uncle Don decided to pick him up and drive him a little because he looked nice and safe. They were driving down and my Aunt asked him, “Did your car break down or something? Your dressed too well to be hitch hiking.” He just says that he needed a ride so he would hitch hike. Then my Aunt asked him, “Well what do you have in the brief case?” The hitch hiker replies, “None of your damn business.” My Uncle heard this and told the guy, “Hey man, we are being nice enough to give you a ride, the least you can do is treat my wife with respect and answer her question. What’s in the brief case?” The guy replies to him, “I will tell you the same thing I told her. None of your damn business.” My Uncle Don pulls over the car and tells him to get out. After a few minutes had passed, my Aunt Pat looks in the back seat and noticed that he left the brief case in the back seat! What was in it?

… None of your damn business!

There’s a trucker in Florida and he has a truckload of metal pipes to deliver to California in two weeks or less. Well, he’s been a trucker for so long that he knows it will only take him a week. So he calls up his boss and asks if he can stop in Pueblo, Colorado to see his wife for an evening. His boss replies, “No. Get the pipes to Cali and I’ll give you a weeks paid vacation to be with your wife.” He hangs up. “Dammit!” Then he thinks, “Well, maybe if I juggle my log a little, I can stop and see her without him ever knowing. So he hauls balls across the states, gets to Pueblo and stops at his house. He silently unlocks the door and enters. He creeps up the stairs and into their bedroom. Then he slides under the covers and starts eating her out. She’s moainin’ and groanin’ and tossin’ all over. She orgasms and he goes down stairs and makes himself a sandwich. Just as he takes his first bite, his wife walks in and says, “Shh! Your mother’s asleep upstairs.”

* 1 star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

** 2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

*** 3 star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.

Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86’d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven’t pee’d once.

**** 4 star hangover

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of ’84.

***** 5 star hangover, aka “Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell.”

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.

****** 6 star hangover

Otherwise known as the “Infinite Nut smacker” You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to getup before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights…some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp “Ready to Rock” faintly atop your forehead……the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your “hello kitty” pajamas and your slippers.

Joe died.

Before entering heaven, Joe stopped at the gates. The gate master then told him that here, in heaven, there was only one rule. “Don’t step on the ducks!”

Joe nodded in agreement. This shouldn’t be too hard, right? Well, once inside the gates of heaven, Joe met two men. After conversing with them for quite some time, the three decided to see what would happen if they stepped on a duck. So one of Joe’s friends did, and as soon as it happened, two angels came down and magically cuffed the man to the ugliest woman ever. It was punishment.

A couple weeks later, Joe’s other friend suffered the same fate.

Walking along, one day, Joe was picked up by two angels and cuffed to a glorious, sexy woman who he would gladly go to bed with.

Curiously, he asked. “Why have I been hand cuffed to such a gorgeous woman?”

The woman rolled her eyes and replied.

“I don’t know, I stepped on a duck.”