Category: Miscellaneous

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
And all throught the house
Every creature was stirring
Even the mouse
The stockings weren’t hung
They were thrown on a chair
And as for St. Nick
Nobody cared

The tree was all trimmed
With reefer and holly
And all in the house
Were drunk and quite jolly
Mom in the whorehouse
And Dad smokin’ grass
And I’d just settled down
For a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from my piece
To see what was the matter

When out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be St. Nick

He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The fucker had fell

He filled all the stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dildo
For my brother the queer

He flew back up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son-of-a-bitch
Blew my chimney apart

And I heard him exclaim
As he rode out of site
Piss on you all, and have a shitty ass night!!!!!

John and Jason Hunting

There are these two hunters, John and Jason. One day John and Jason go hunting at about 3:00 p.m. and at 8:00 p.m. with no luck thus far they decided to go two seperate ways. Jason goes left and John goes right. Jason pulls out beer and starts walking as John starts walking off too. At about ten beers later, Jason has to take a shit so he puts down his beer and pulls down his pants and starts to go … in the middle he passes out. John meanwhile caught a huge deer and decided to bring it back Jason’s way. He find’s Jason about two hours later passed out, So he decides not to wake Jason, but he does gut the deer right there and drag the deer back to the truck. About 1.5 hours later, Jason comes stumbling back to the truck all bloody and smelling rotten and says to John, “You will never believe what happened. I was drinking and I went to shit and passed out and when I got back up, I saw my guts laying all over the ground, but with the love of God and my two fingers, I managed to get them all back where they came from.”

How To Tell If You’re Ready To Have Kids

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Funny Things To Do At Wal-Mart While Your Spouse Is Taking His/Her Sweet Time

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they don’t realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10.”
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M’s on layaway.
8. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible.”
17. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “pick me! pick me!!”
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud …”Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”

Times When The “F” Word Was Appropriate

“What the fuck was that?” – Mayor of Hiroshima

“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” – General Custer

“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” – Albert Einstein

“It does so fucking look like her!” – Pablo Picasso

“How the fuck did you work that out?” – Pythagoras

“You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?” – Michaelangelo

“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” – Joan of Arc

“Scattered fucking showers…my ass.” – Noah

“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” – John F. Kennedy

“Who the fuck is going to know?” – Bill Clinton