How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
Two blondes, Carol and Sandi, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.”
Sandi said, “Let me look!” So Carol handed her the compact. Sandi looked in the mirror and said, “You dumb shit, it’s me!
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man, the man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.