An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
1. Fire authorities in California assessing the damage of a forest fire found a corpse dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided identification.
Investigators seeking an explanation as to how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire found that, on the day of the fire, the person was diving off the coast ~ 20 miles from the forest. Firefighters had a fleet of helicopters dropping very large buckets into the ocean, flying to the forest and emptying the water on the fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5’10” of the fire.
Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
2. A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. He was racing the engine on the cycle and somehow, it slipped into gear. He, holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass door and dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband on the floor, cut and bleeding, the cycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. She ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a hill, the wife went down the several flights of steps to the street to direct the paramedics. After the ambulance took the husband to the hospital, the wife pushed the cycle outside, got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated and released.
Arriving home, he looked at the damage, became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. Finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl. The wife, hearing an explosion and his screams, ran to the bathroom to find him on the floor, trousers blown off, burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. Again, she called for an ambulance.
The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While going down the stairs, a paramedic asked the wife how the husband burned himself. She told them and one, laughing so hard, tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the steps and broke his arm.
Now that was a bad day. Feel Better?
A man named Sam Goldberg owned a store in New York. This store almost never closed, and he and his wife never went on a vacation.
One day, the man asked his wife where she wanted to go for a vacation. She said,”But Sam, we haven’t closed the store in years!”
Sam insisted, so she chose to go to San Francisco. As soon as they arrived there on the plane, they rented a car and went to eat dinner in Chinatown. When Sam found a parking space, he noticed a sign saying, “Sam Goldberg’s Chineese Food.” He became enraged and ran into the store. He called for the owner, and an old Chineese man came forward.
Sam Goldberg said to him, “Your shop can’t be named ‘Sam Goldberg’s Chineese Food’ because that is my name, and you aren’t even Jewish!”
Then the Chineese man explained how he got the name. When he arrived in America, he came up to the citizenship building and was in line after a man named Sam Goldberg. When he went to talk to the citizenship official, the official asked for the Chineese man’s name. He then said, “Sam Ting.”
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
“Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.
The Irishman replies, “Oh … I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?” to which lawyer number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”. (Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside”. (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how …?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.” (But it’s *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box) “Do not turn upside down”. (Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating”. (As night follows the day …)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body”. (But wouldn’t this save even more time?)
8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness”. (One would hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only”. (As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use”. (I gotta admit, I’m curious).
12. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts”. (NEWS FLASH,Hello!)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: Fly Delta).
14. On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”. (I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”. (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?)
At a party an elderly couple was talking to a young couple. The young man said to the old man, “I have heard tell that when you get up in years, you can’t have sex anymore.”
The elderly couple said, “I don’t know where you heard that, but we have sex almost every night.”
“Really?”
“Sure. Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday …”
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looked up and said, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”
The guy said, “I’m from Iowa.”
The bartender asked, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”
The guy responded, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender asked, “Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”
The guy said nervously, “I mount animals.”
The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”