Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Stick her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Category: Miscellaneous
Cows Standing
Two cows are standing around in a paddock. One of them says, “MOOOO” and the other says, “I thought you’d say that”.
Bill’s Barn
Bill’s barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Polly replied, “Then I’d like to cancel my husbands life insurance.”
Top 10 Signs Your Lawyer Isn’t Working Out
10. Opening argument in which he called the prosecutor a “Doo-Doo Head” could hurt your case.
9. Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
8. Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
7. Keeps trying to call a witness named “Johnny, the Trouser Troll.”
6. The only question she can come up with during cross examination is, “Isn’t it true that you’re a lying bastard?”
5. Constantly raising objections to the “vibes” he’s getting from the jury.
4. Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, “Yahtzee!”
3. Instead of saying “Your honour, I object,” he now just rolls his eyes and says, “Whatever.”
2. Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the “discovery” processes.
1. Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.
You know you’re from Northern New York When…
1) You only own 3 spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.
2) You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
3) The mosquitos have landing lights.
4) You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5) True Value Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
6) You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
7) You live in a house that has no front steps yet the door is one yard above the ground.
8) You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9) Driving is better in the winter becase the potholes get filled up with snow.
10) You think lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.
11) You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12) The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 of the page, but requires six pages for sports.
13) At least twice a year the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14) The most effective mosquito repellant is a shotgun.
Messed Up Days
A blonde walks into an elevator and says to the guy in there, “T-G-I-F”. He says, “no S-H-I-T”. She says, “no T-G-I-F”. He says, no “S-H-I-T”. She says, “no” with a big smile on her face, “T-G-I-F”. He says, “no” with a big smile on his face, “S-H-I-T”. She says, “no, T-G-I-F, Thank God It’s Friday”. He says, “no, S-H-I-T, Sorry Hon It’s Thursday”.
How To Handle Stress…
1) Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2) Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
3) When someone says, “Have a nice day!” tell them you have other plans.
4) Pop some popcorn without the lid on.
5) During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the phlegm back down your throat.
6) Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
7) Make a list of things you’ve already done.
8) Dance in front of your pets.
9) Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
10) Thumb through the National Geographic and draw underwear on all the natives.
11) Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in them, return them the next day.
12) Drive to work in reverse.
13) Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
14) Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
Outside Irish
Q: What’s Irish and sleeps outside?
A: Paddy O’Furniture
Never Lose It
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”
The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”
“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”
“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”
“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”
“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”
“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”
“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”
“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”
The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”
“I found it.”
Improved Sex Life
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.
However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.
There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: “She’s not my wife … She’s not my wife … She’s not my wife …”