Category: Miscellaneous


Boys & Girls

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Nothing at All

A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home:

“So, has anything happened while I’ve been away?”

“No, sir, I can’t think of anything at all worth mentioning.”

“Come now, I’ve been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time.”

The servant thinks for a moment. “Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died.”

“My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?”

“The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat.”

“The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?”

“Well, it was the horses, sir. They’d been rotting for some time after the barn burned down.”

“Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?”

“It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir.”

“The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?”

“Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle.”

“Oh. … Wait a moment – we don’t use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?”

“They were there for the wake, sir.”

“The wake?!? Whose wake?”

“Your mother’s, sir. She passed away quite suddenly.”

“Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead.

“It must have been the shock, sir.”

“The shock.”

“Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it’s been fairly quiet while you’ve been away, sir.”

How to be Offensive at Weddings

1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic.

7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

8. Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.

9. Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

10. Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.

11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”

14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

15. Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.

16. Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”

17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

18. If there’s a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell hin that he has to wear one yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.

19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”

Cream of Weight

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender’s having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

“Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?”

The guy answers, “I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I’ve had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream.”

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. “So you came home and found cream on the weight?”

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, “It’s worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter.”

Panda Bear

A panda walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders some food to eat. He calmly eats all his food until he is finished.

As he gets up he pulls out a gun and fires a few shots into the ceiling. No one is injured but the bartender is furious.

Why the heck did you do that?!” The bartender yells. As he was walking out the door the panda turned around and said: “I’m a panda, look it up.” And he leaves. So the bartender goes into his back room and pulls out his old dictionary. After blowing the dust off it he opens it and finds the entry for “panda.”

It says: “PANDA: native to Asia and a member of the raccoon family. Has black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Goldfish Funeral

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,”What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your f…..ing cat.

First Day of School

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desparately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it,” he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher “I can’t find it”.

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, “Well, did you find it?”

Tommy is quick with his reply: “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”