Category: Politics


20 Ways To Tell If You’re A Democrat

1) You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

2) You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand – in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.

3) You have to believe that the same overpaid public school idiot who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

4) You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

5) You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

6) You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

7) You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.

8) You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9) You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature but pasty-faced, fey activists who’ve never been outside Seattle do.

10) You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11) You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

12) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

13) You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can’t deliver the programming quality PBS does.

14) You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.

15) You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

16) You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinman are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Alva Edison.

17) You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.

18) You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

19) You have to believe that conservatives are racists but black people couldn’t make it without your help.

20) You have to believe that the only reason democratic socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.

Royal Battle

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years.

Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.

Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

County Workers

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.

While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

“I can’t stand this,” said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the county,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

“Normally there’s three of us … me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike and me can’t work.”

The Traffic Stop

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, “Did I just see you swallow something?”

“Yep, that was my birth control pill” said the driver.

“Birth control pill?” asked the patrolman.

“Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed.”

Penis Tax

The only thing the IRS hasn’t taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that …

40% of the time, it’s hanging around unemployed;
20% of the time it’s pissed off;
30% of the time it’s hard up; and,
10% of the time it’s in the hole.

On top of this, it has two dependants and they are both nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form:

10 to 12 inches Luxury Tax —> $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax –> $30.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax –>$15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax –> $5.00

Please Note:
NO CHARGE FOR UNDER FOUR INCHES. EXTENSIONS NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE. OVER 12 INCHES MUST FILE CAPITAL GAINS.

Regulations for Hunting Attorneys

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or dead-falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

The President’s Drink

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink.

Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips.”

The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “My apologies, I didn’t realize there was a choice … I’ll have the same thing he’s having.”

Presidential Rescue

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore. He was so thankful that he told each of them, “Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserves a reward.”

The first boy says, “I want to go to Disneyland!” “I’ll take you there myself!!!” exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, “I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan’s.” “I’ll buy them for you myself,” says Bill.

“And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers” the third boy says. The president looks at the boy and says, “But son you don’t look like you are handicapped to me.” The boy says, “I’m going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!”

$100 from God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.