Category: Politics


Saddam and Clinton

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam’s chair has three buttons on the armrest.

They begin talking but after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Clinton’s chair and bashes him on his face.

Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the groin.

Clinton is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin.

Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. “We’ll continue this talk next week in the White House” says the President.

Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.

A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton’s chair.

As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn’t stop Clinton from laughing … really loudly.

After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing.

Saddam doesn’t get it – what the hell is happening here? But he hasn’t been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn’t, he’s rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing.

Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: “I’ve had enough of this, I’m going back to Baghdad”

(Through tears of laughter from the floor) – “Baghdad? … What Baghdad?

Pope and the Queen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth “I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.”

The Pope says, “No way. You can’t do that.”

The Queen says, “Watch this.”

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, “Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she’d be able to do it.”

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, “I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.”

The Queen goes, “No way, it can’t be done.”

So the Pope headbutts her.

Don’t Raise Hogs

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Morgan

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

Bill of NO Rights

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights.”

ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:
You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX:
You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and educational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness – which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Red Rash

While undressing for bed one night, ol’ Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, “I can’t let Hillary see this!” and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital the very next day.

“Doc” he says, “I’ve got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it”? The doctor says, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what it is but take these pills for a week and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we’ll try something else.”

Bill takes the pills for the week but,unfortunately, the red ring is still there after seven days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him that the pills hadn”t helped. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions, “take them for a week and come back if it’s not improved.”

Bill takes the capsules for a week and damn the red ring is still there.

So he goes back to his doctor and asks, “What next”? The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. “Rub this on every day for a week and let me know”.

Bill goes back in a week and says, “Great news, doc! The rash is gone!

That stuff in the tube was wonderful. What was it”? The doctor replied, “lipstick remover”

Equestrian Cop

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The Kid says, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”