Category: Religion


Praying Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Mayorial Mule

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

Meeting the Family

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

Top 10 Reasons Men Should Join the Church Choir

10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendinitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.

9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.

8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called “Who’s Praying, Who’s Sleeping?”

7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.

6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you’ve been singing with us for a few weeks.

5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.

4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it’s soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it’s a lot easier on the knees than jogging.

3. If you think you’ve done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch.

2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Miami Dolphins. (Don’t worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON MEN SHOULD JOIN THE CHOIR:
1. When people ask you whether you’ve been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, “Hey, I’m a Choir Boy.”

Jewish Wedding

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak, “Father, I am going to marry!” His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila. “Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father. “What is her name?”

“O’Brien” replies the son. “She’s Catholic.”

“Oy!” says the father. “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy,” says the son.

“Ok, as long as you’re happy. My blessings to you both,” replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, “Father, I too will be married soon!” Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God’s praises, “What is her name?” implores the father.

“Kazalopodopolous,” says the son. “She’s Greek Orthodox.”

“Oy,” says Moisha. “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy, Father.”

“Ok, then you, too, have my blessing,” intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray, “Please God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!”

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed in the spring!”

“Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?” his father immediately demands.

“Goldberg!” says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the Prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Doctor Goldberg’s daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?”

“No,” says Chutzpah.

“Hmmm,” says Moisha. “Must be Attorney Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Hollywood?”

“Ah no, father.” says Chutzpah.

“Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?

“Whoopi,” says Chutzpah.

Butt Prints in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of God they were,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
and I asked Him, “What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat,
But much too big to be from feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”

“You would not learn, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.

“Because in life, there comes a time
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

Hatpins

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. “Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. “Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. “God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. “Right again,” said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister didn’t notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?” Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.

Bra Choices

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “There is more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,” replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what are the types?

The saleslady replied, “The Catholic Type. The Salvation Army Type, and the Baptist type. Which One do you need?”

Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”

The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

New Yorkers in Heaven

This group of New Yorkers went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Golden Gates that day … St. Peter didn’t know what to do with so many people at the gates so he ran to God … St. Peter said, “God there is a group of New Yorkers at the gates and they want to get in.” God says, “Well what is the problem, let them in, two at a time if you have to.” So, St. Peter runs back to the gates to let them in. A few seconds later God hears St. Peter running back. St. Peter comes running up to God and says, “God, they’re gone!” God says, “Who, the New Yorkers?” St. Peter says, “No, the Golden Gates.”

Two Boys and Their Nuts

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. “One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me.”

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

“Father! Father!” he yelled as he entered his house. “The cemetery. Come quick!”

“What’s the matter?” his father asked.

“No time to explain,” the boy frantically panted. “Follow me!”

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

“Do you hear that?” he whispered.

Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. “One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you…”

The boy then blurted out, “The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!”

The father was skeptical but silent — until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, “Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we’ll have them all.”