Category: Religion


Given The High Hat

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and steal a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

“Reverend, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”

The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?”

My uncle responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”

Two Nuns

Two nuns, one known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other known as Sister Logical (SL), went in to town to sell cookies. As it was getting dark, they were returning home, but still far from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that man following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: He wants to rape us. It is the logical thing.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15.2 minutes. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: Okay.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started walking faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried because Sister Logical had not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrived.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! What happened with the man? Are you all right?

SL: I am fine. The logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, and you are faster, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And then?

SL: The only logical thing. He was faster, so he caught up with me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: You did? Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no!! What happened then?

SL: The only logical thing. A slow nun with her dress up can run a lot faster than a fast man with his pants down.

Powerful Liquid

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m looking at the most powerful liquid in the world.”

The Priest said, “But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman’s belly, she will pass a boy!”

Little Johnny said, “Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat’s butt, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!”

Drunk Baptism

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yess, Preacher … I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.

“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, I did not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher … “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Extra Boob

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.

“How is everything going, Eve?” He asked.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells … the sights … everything is wonderful. I just have this one problem. It’s these three breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real bother,” Eve said.

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need at least half that many. But I see that you are right. I’ll fix that up right away!”

God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation today?” He asked.

“Fantastic, except for one small oversight on your part,” she replied. “You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you.”

“Now, let’s see … where did I leave that useless boob?”

Minister’s Baby

The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.

The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.

Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, “Having children is an act of God!”

An older man in the back stood and shouted back, “Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them.”

God Will Provide

A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar,” he replies. “A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”, and the father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Special Occasions

My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).

One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.

I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.

Now fast forward a few months. It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for Dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn’t hang off the edge.

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. “But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!”

Leprechaun Nun

A minister was in his church one night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door to find two leprechauns sitting on the ground, one looking smug and happy, the other one looking nervous and scared. The smug one asked the minister if there were any leprechaun nuns in the church. When the minister answered, “No”, the smug one asked if there were any in the city, (no) state, (no) country, (no) world, (no) or universe, (no).

Finally, the smug one laughed and told the other one, “See! I told ye ye screwed a penguin!”

Dead Husbands

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.” In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you Lord, they’re finally together.”

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked … “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The other mourner then replied … “I think he means her legs.”