Category: Religion


Father O’Malley

Father O’Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada.

He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “Elvis! Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead Elvis! How have you been?”

Father looks at her and says, “Get outta me face. Can’t you see I’m not Elvis? I don’t look a thing like Elvis.”

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he’s a little upset so he tells the cabby, “Take me to my hotel and step on it.” The cabby turns and says, “Sure thing sir – Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead! I’m your number one fan! It’s so great to see you!”

“Shut up, you imbecile.” says the father “I’m not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!”

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O’Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. “Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s you!” screams the hotel clerk. “You’re back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I’m so glad you’re back!”

Father O’Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, “Thank you … Thank you very much!”

The Way It Was …

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vain-glorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time.

But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you’re complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your ah, … physical needs. He’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advise to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Yeah, well … you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first

Sister Maggie In Hell

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it.

The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter and called him back. “Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!”

“Of course, Sister” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!”

Irish Bash

Sean and Murphy are two teenagers out on the razzle one night, well Sean is better looking than his mate and, consequently, he scores with a local chick and goes back to her place – abandoning Murphy with a wink.

Next morning, Sunday as it happens, Sean turns up at Murphy’s place with bags under his eyes, a dry throat, spotty chin and all the rest of it … he looks like death warmed up, and appears to have all the symptoms of going into a diabetic coma, even though he’s not a diabetic… and Murphy asks how it went … “Great” says Sean, “But I’m knackered and I think I really ought to go to confession you know, like after what l did with this girl last night.”

Murphy tells him to get a move on cos’ the church has already started morning service and so the pair of them get down there … whereupon Murphy says he’ll wait at the door on account he hasn’t got any sins to confess.

Sean reaches the confessional and the voice of the priest whispers to him through the screen … “speak up and reveal your sins to God young man” and so Sean goes on to describe his night of debauchery in detail … adding that it all happened with a local girl … and the priest says, “young man, your sins can be forgiven, but you must tell me the name of the poor girl, she may be in greater danger than you”

Sean doesn’t think he can bring himself to give her name and says “Father, I’ve come to confess my own sins, the girl can do the same, it wouldn’t be proper of me to speak her name now would it?”

The priest asks him, in an annoyed tone, “was it Mary O’Flannagan then young man” and Sean cries “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say …” which perplexes the priest more still, leading him to demand, “Well then, was it Lucy O’Hara you young idiot?” and Sean replies, “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say …” and the priest gets even more annoyed and asks in a sterner voice still “Was it Susan O’Flaherty then you rapscallion?” and Sean screams back “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say … I demand you pardon me for my own sins and let me leave …”

The priest issues Sean with 50 Hail Marys and orders him to clean the church after the service, he is thus absolved of his sins …

On rejoining Murphy at the door Murphy smiles and asks “how did it go then Sean, what did you get?” to which Sean says “Oh, a few Hail Marys and a bit of cleaning to do after the service … and three freaking red hot tips for next Saturday …”

What is God’s real name?

There was a boy who wnated to join a club. He walked up to the entrance, and the boy standing there told him “You must anwser these questions if you want to join the club”

“Ok” said the boy.

“The first one, how many T’s in a week? The second, how many days in a month, the next, what is God’s real name?”

The boy looked at him for a moment and said, “I’ll be back tomorrow with the anwsers”

The next day the boy came back with the answers. “There are 2 T’s in a week, today and tomorrow, there are 4 days in a month …”

“And what is God’s real name?”

“Howard” said the boy.

The other boy gasped. “How’d you know that?”

The boy shrugged and said, “Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name.”

Got A Driving Permit?

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve read in the bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and if you read on further you’ll find out that they walked everywhere they went!”

Meeting the Pope

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel — it was great!

They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get the shitty haircut?

Precious Fluids

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when their car ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use that. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: “Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but I surely do admire your faith!”

Real Notices from Real Church Bullitens

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

Among needed items for Vacation Bible School: wooden bowels.

“Wise Up, 0 Men of God”

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Tonight’s sermon – “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted … the minutes were approved … the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa named Bertha Belch is speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Announcement: “Come tonight and hear Barbara Belch all the way from Africa.”

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.”

A Parrot Named Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He flashed his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching YOU.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next score, and then clicked the light back on, and began searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching YOU.”

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, and then squawked, “I’m trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who are you?”

“Moses,” replied the parrot.

“Moses,” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot MOSES?”

The parrot replied, “Probably the same kind of stupid people that would name a Rotweiller JESUS.”