Category: Religion


The Holy Fish

A groundskeeper at a Catholic orphanage agreed to take a little boy out on a rowboat for some fishing. Sure enough, the boy caught a whopper which made the old man exclaim, “Well son-of-a-bitch!” He calmed the startled orphan by saying that’s what the fish is called.

Once ashore the boy excitedly told Sister Therasita about the fish, his Son-of-a-bitch. Right then, Father Hannigan brought the joyous news that the Pope is coming for supper and the fish would make a wonderful meal. “What is it?” the father asked.

“It’s a son-of-a-bitch, Father.”

Sister Therasita offered to clean the fish so that the Mother Superior could cook it to perfection.

After the meal was nearly over, the Pope praised the excellent fish and asked just what it was.

The Father replied, “

Call a Spade a Spade

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help. “The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.” said the nun.

“Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.”, said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, “I think the term they actually use is ‘fucking shovel'”.

Don’t Make Me Late

A little boy got up late one Sunday morning and had to hurry to get dressed to go to church. Leaving the house and on the way to church he kept repeating to himself, “Please, God, don’t make me late. Please, God don’t make me late.”

When he arrived at the church he rushed up the steps and fell, he made a huge sigh and looked up at heaven and said, “Jesus Christ, you didn’t have to push me.”

Jewish Definitions

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat mitzvah.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face but not knowing exactly when.

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes …

GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar Mitzvah

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MEINSTEIN slang. “My son, the genius.”

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock ‘n roll band from Brooklyn.

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

I’m Jesus

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he’s O.K.

The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?” The stranger says, “No. Who are you?”

The drunk proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ … and I can prove it! Come with me!”

They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”

Bread or Chicken

The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.'”

The Pope responds, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord – it must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’ Again, the Pope replies, “That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Tyson guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’ Please consider it.” And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. “There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news.”

“The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars.”

“And the bad news, your eminence?” asks a Cardinal.

“We’re losing the Wonderbread account.”

Timbuctu

W.B. Yeats and William Shakespease both died on the same day and went to heaven. St. Peter met them both at the pearly gates and said, “Lads, I’d love to let the two of you in today but we have had a very busy week and we only have one space left inside.” The two looked at each other in disbelief and Peter continued, “We are going to have a poetry competition to see who gets in, but the poem has to contain the word timbuctu.” No sooner had he finished when Shakespeare puts up the hand and says:

“As I was travelling across foreign sands
From afar I spied a spec of blue
As I approached I saw I caravan
Its destination was timbuctu”

Peter was clapping his hands and Shakespeare was almost in the gate when Yeats says, “Hold on I’ve got one.”

“My dog Tim and I a hunting went
We spied three ladies in a tent
They were three and we were two
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”