Category: Religion


Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“The Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. “Nice breasts,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”

Why Men Stand and Pee

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

“It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability.”

Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the snow! Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please …”

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition (another Trivia question) while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

And it was good.

“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, “What’s left here? Oh yes …

Multiple orgasms …”

Three Blonde Men

Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don’t know how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

The third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.

Religious Children

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a 4-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the back yard. They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decide to take off the wet clothes. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, “Golly, I didn’t know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants.”

Children’s Sermon

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for “the childrens sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?”

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

What Nationality Was Jesus?

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father’s business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus.
He was bilingual.
He was always being harassed by the authorities.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody “brother.”
He liked Gospel.
He couldn’t get a fair trial.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He started a new religion.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.” So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!” Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”