Category: Religion


Sunday School Lesson

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all of the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

“Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!

The Pope

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.

After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.”

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, “And what are the four conditions?”

The room stilled. There was a long pause … The pope replied, “First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.

“Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.

“And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one.”

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?”

The pope smiled and replied, “Big tits.”

Eve and God

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I am just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I’m lonely and missing something. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebow.

“Yeah, well, he’s better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. But you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

The Garden of Eden

In the beginning God created man, and placed him in the Garden of Eden. But man was lonely, so God made a woman out of the man’s rib. God commanded them, “Eat from any tree in the garden, except for the apple tree.”

Everything went just as God would’ve wanted it, for the first three weeks.

Then, the woman’s period started. God told the woman, “You must go out and collect mosses and other absorbant materials, and fashion them in the way I show you, and wear this between your legs, changing it daily.” At first the woman complied, but she found it to be horribly messy, extremely inconvenient, and stunk like rotting meat, and on top of that her stomach was hurting, and she was in a REALLY FOUL MOOD.

Then, that evening, after a day of soil tilling, the man went up to the woman and said, “Did you get anything for dinner?” The woman, being in a foul mood, said, “No, I didn’t. If you want something to eat, get it yourself.” The man was shocked, that the woman apparently hadn’t done anything all day, and insisted that she go out right away and pick some fruit for dinner.

So, the woman went to the apple tree, yanked the fruit from the branch, brought it back, and threw it at the man, screaming “HERE’S YOUR GODDAM DINNER!”

And the rest is history

First Funeral

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, “Maybe we’d better tell him that’s a septic tank.”

Golfing Priest

One Sunday morning a Catholic priest wakes up and notices it’s a gorgeous day – so beautiful that he couldn’t possibly turn away from playing golf. So he decides to play but has one problem. The priest has to say Mass in just a couple of hours. The priest thinks, then asks another priest if he would say his masses today because the first priest isn’t feeling well. The other priest agrees.

So now the first priest is off to the golf course. He decides to play a little bit past town thinking that way no one could possibly see him playing golf, since he was suppose to be sick. Right before he tees off on the first hole, St. Peter turns to Jesus and says, “Are you going to let him get away with that?”

Jesus replies “No, I guess not.”

So the priest tees off on the first hole, the longest par 4 on the course. He hits the ball and to his surprise sinks it in!!! A hole in one!!!

St. Peter turns to Jesus and says, “I thought you weren’t going to let him get away with lying?”

Jesus replies: “I’m not.”

St. Peter then says, “Well, he just made a hole in one on the longest par 4 of the course!!!”

Jesus turns to St. Peter and says, “Yes, but who is he going to tell?”

Who Does He Think He Is?

Jesus and Moses were golfing one day. When they came to a hole with a water hazard in front of the green, Moses told Jesus to lay up short and chip to the green.

Jesus said, “Arnold Palmer can make the green from here, so can I.”

Jesus shot and landed in the water. Jesus said “Darn,” walked on the water, reached in and got his ball. He walked back, dropped his ball and swung again. Again he landed in the water.

After Jesus retrieved his ball for the third time, Moses again told him to lay up short, but Jesus wouldn’t listen, insisting that if Arnold could make it so could he.

After hitting the ball for the fourth time, he went to go get it. While he was standing on the water two golfers came over the hill. One shouted at Moses, “Who does he think he is, Jesus?”

“No!” shouted Moses, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”

Divine Golf

Guy comes to a water hole and only has two balls left — an old one and a new one. Naturally, he tees up the old ball.

A voice from above booms: “Pick up the old ball … tee up the new ball.”

He picks up the old ball, tees up the new one and gets ready to swing.

The voice from above is heard again: “First, take a practice swing.” Guy takes a practice swing.

Voice from above: “Tee up the old ball!”

Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil …

The Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.

The Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here … You a drinking’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

The Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer … we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn’t matter because you’re already dead!

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

The Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yes

The Devil: You’re going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer – who cares! You’re already dead!

Guy: Wow!

The Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want … blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever … If you lose your shirt … who cares!

Guy: Amazing!

The Devil: You into drugs?

Guy: You don’t mean …

The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself to a great all the drugs that your want! Who cares … you’re dead!

Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swingin’ place!!

The Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

The Devil: Ooooh – you’re gonna hate Fridays …