A cattleman from West Texas died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery.
He remarked to the gate keeper, “Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.”
The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, I’m not Saint Peter … and second, you really don’t know where you are at all, do you?”
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve…
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that.”
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known as being an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. “Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside whistled and yelled, “Here Soap! Here Water!”
And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, “I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.”
“There’s a problem with the angel,” said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.
“And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene,” he said sadly. “That’s a no-no, too.”
Joseph had a bright idea. “What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?” he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.
“That would definitely help,” said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a saviour appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. “Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too,” he said. “No court can resist that.”
Mary asked, “What does my son’s birth have to do with snowmen?”
“Snowpersons,” cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. “Artistic license,” he said. “I’ve got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter,” he quipped.
“We’re not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full,” said Mary.
“Whatever,” said the painter.
Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus’ birth “because it privileged motherhood.” The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. “I’m not a single mother,” Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant’s unfortunate religious character.
An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.
“I’d hold off on the reindeer,” the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are “penned environments” where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring “Free the Bethlehem 2” began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus’ head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. “And what about you, old mother?” she said sharply to an elderly woman. “Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?”
“None of the above,” said the woman, “I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here.” Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, “They’re all male!” And “Not very multi cultural!”
“Balthasar here is black,” said one of the Magi.
“Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?” someone shouted.
A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.
A calm voice said, “Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world.” At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: “There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can’t we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about ‘Gloria in excelsis Deo,’ why not just ‘Season’s Greetings’?”
Mary said, “You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, ‘Hello, it’s winter’?”
“That’s harsh, Mary,” said the woman. “Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn’t push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That’s not chopped liver.”
“Let me get back to you,” Mary said.
A man came home and saw his children along with a group of the neighborhood children gathered around the front steps. He asked what it was they were doing. “We’re playing church.” one said.
The puzzled Father inquired further and was told, “Well, we’ve already sung, prayed and listened to the sermon. Now, we’re all outside smoking.”
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.
Son: “Dad, did you go to Church when you were a little boy?”
Dad: “Yes son, every single Sunday.”
Son: “Thought so. Bet it won’t do me any good either.”
A beggar goes over to a rabbi and asks for a dime or so. A few minutes later, the beggar goes over to another beggar across the street.
The second beggar asks, “How much did you get from the rabbi?”
The first beggar says, “Get? I ended up giving him a dollar for the temple building fund!”
An Orthodox rabbi lived a pious and exemplary life. Besides his learning, he had one true passion: he loved to play golf. So when a friend of his wangled an invitation to play a round at an ultra exclusive Country Club that normally did not invite people of the rabbi’s religious persuasion, he jumped at the chance, until he found out that the round was scheduled for Saturday, which of course is his Sabbath and on which day he was forbidden to do ANY work, including the “work” of playing golf. He tossed and turned with his dilemma, until greed won out, and he duly appeared at the Country Club early Saturday morning.
A passing angel looked down and saw the rabbi getting ready to tee off on the first hole. Profoundly disturbed, the angel runs to God and tells him what is about to take place. God says: “Don’t worry. I’ll teach him a lesson but good.” So on the first hole the rabbi drives 415 yards for a hole-in-one!
“What kind of a lesson was THAT?”, queried the angel.
God’s response was, “Who can he tell?”.
An Irishman with a game leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up to the bar and orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a long-haired, bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar.
“Is that Christ our Lord?” he asks the bartender.
“Yes it is,” the bartender replies.
“Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too” the Irishman responds.
They’re sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks in and orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus.
“Is that the Son of the Blessed Virgin?” he asks the bartender, and the bartender replies in the affirmative. “Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too,” the Italian offers.
Just then the barroom door bursts open and a fireman swaggers up to the rail. “Gimme a cold one, bartender,” the fire-fighter orders. And, spotting Jesus, he adds, “Hey, is that God’s little boy? Get him a cold one too.”
Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the fire-fighter to thank them. He touches the Irishman’s shoulder and says thanks, and the fellow’s leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in celebration.
Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian’s back straightens for the first time in his life.
Then Christ approaches the fire-fighter, but the fire-fighter backs away. “Don’t touch me!” he screams. “I’m on disability!”