Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
Taking all these things together, he became widely known in India as a: “Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. “Let me go find out.” and he left. The couple at and waited for an answer … for a couple of months … and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
“What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”
“Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Taiwan Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they don’t get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, “I don’t like Chinese.”
The First Officer replies, “Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?”
The Captain says, “You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”
The F.O. says, “Nooooo, noooo … Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.”
And the Captain answers, “Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese … it doesn’t matter, they’re all alike.”
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, “No like Jew.”
The Captain replies, “Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”
F.O. says, “Jews sink Titanic.”
The Captain tries to correct him,
“No, no. The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.”
The F.O. replies, “Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah … all same.”
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?” To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied. “What word?” she asked. “Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”
The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e.”
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
“I’d be honored,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?” to which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word first.”
“What word?” he asked. The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth “I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.”
The Pope says, “No way. You can’t do that.”
The Queen says, “Watch this.”
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going, “Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she’d be able to do it.”
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, “I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.”
The Queen goes, “No way, it can’t be done.”
So the Pope headbutts her.
Three Christian preachers and their wives were on a tour of the Middle East, when a land mine destroyed their bus and killed them. The three couples found themselves on a golden path which led to St. Peter’s desk just outside the pearly gates. On his desk was a giant book and two buttons — one red, one white.
The first couple approached the desk and the man proudly proclaimed that he was a minister of the gospel. St. Peter said, “Okay, but I’ve got to find you in the book first. Lessee … Yes, it says here you were a preacher, but it also says you were obsessed with MONEY. You loved money far more than you loved God. You even married a woman named Penny!”
St. Peter pushed the red button. A trapdoor opened and the couple fell screaming down to Hell.
The second couple approached and the man again proudly proclaimed that he was a minister of the gospel. St. Peter looked him up in the book and said, “Okay, but it says here you were obsessed with LIQUOR. You loved alcohol far more than you loved God. You even married a woman named Brandy!”
St. Peter pushed the red button. A trapdoor opened and the couple fell screaming down to Hell.
The third preacher turned around, took his wife by the arm and said, “Come on, Fanny, let’s see if we can find the stairs.”
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
One Day when Jesus and Moses were out playing golf, they decided to have a contest to see who could make the most outstanding shot.
Moses decided to go first. He hammered his shot straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball fell into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky and the water parted. The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its goal.
Jesus looked at Moses and said, “Hey Moses, that was a pretty good show. Now let me see what I can do.” Jesus took his shot and sent the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus’ ball headed straight for the water hazard. Jesus held out one hand, and instead of the ball dropping into the water, it bounced on top of the water, rolled up on the green only three inches from the cup.
Moses said, “Wow, that was an incredible shot!” No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies grew dark and the wind started to pick up. Lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly a ball fell from the sky into the same water hazard. Just as quickly, a fish came by and swallowed the ball. An eagle flying overhead swooped down, grabbed the fish with his talons, and headed for the now darkened sky. Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he dropped the fish onto the green. The fish opened his mouth, the ball rolled out and dropped into the hole.
Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, “Man! I hate it when your Dad plays along!”
A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.
“Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.
“We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex. St. Peter flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.
“We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags,” said Tex.
Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.
“We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it out.”
A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits.
“Who is this?” asks the padre.
“Oh, that’s the Virgin of Guadalupe.”
“And this portrait?”
“That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi.”
“Who is this third one?”
“That is the Virgin of Ishia.”
“And the final portrait, what virgin is she?”
“Oh, that’s no virgin, that’s the Mother Superior.”