Tampon makers have announced that they will be replacing their tampon string with tinsel. They’ll be available for the Christmas period only.
Saint Peter and the Creature of the Night
Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day. “May the first person come,” he said.
“Hello, Saint Peter,” said the first person.
“State you name, and tell me how you spent your life.” he said.
“Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord.”
“Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven.”
And off the nun went.
“Next,” said Saint Peter. “How did you spend your life.”
“I spent my life like a normal human being,” another woman said. “I told some lies, little white lies here and there. But nothing serious.”
“Here I give you a silver key. It is for the Purgatory. You may go now, he said.
Next. Tell me, how did you live your life?”
“Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night,” said a beautiful girl.
“Here is a key made of copper,” he said.
“Is that the key to Hell?!”
“No, this is the key, for my apartment.”
Which Position?
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to an obstetrician to find out the gender of their babies. The doctor asks the brunette what position she was in and she says I was on top and he says, “Oh, well then you’re gonna have a boy.” The redhead replies, “I was on the bottom” and the doctor says, “Well, then you’re gonna have a girl.” The blonde starts crying and says, “Oh my God, I’m gonna have a puppy.”
The Moon or Florida?
Two blondes were sitting on their front porch on a summer evening looking at the moon. One of them says, “Which is further away? Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde says, “Well, duh! Florida is further away. You can see the moon.”
Ouch, said the English Teacher
Most people could care less that people say irregardless. This misuse should of been nipped in the butt long ago. Maybe they are just escape goats for the broader problems of the decline of education, but even though I have been biting my time here, cringing at the next foe par while they get off scotch free, it’s truly a mute point these days. Face it: it’s a doggie dog world. I think I’ll just go curl up in a feeble position. Ex cetera, ex cetera, ex cetera…
Pulled Over
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. Then the second policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.”
Amazed, the driver asked, “for what.”
The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”
It’s a Boy!!!
Twelve years ago today, my friend Dave came out running and screaming, “IT’S A BOY!!!” with tears streaming down his face…
We never went back to Thailand again.
Cows Smoking in a Card Game
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.
That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.
Pole Vaulter
A TV commentator walks up to a guy holding a long stick at the Olympics asking, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
The athlete responds, “No, I’m German, and how did you know my name was Valter?”
Sinko de Mayo
Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery to Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a “National Day of Mourning” which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known of course as Sinko de Mayo.