A TV commentator walks up to a guy holding a long stick at the Olympics asking, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
The athlete responds, “No, I’m German, and how did you know my name was Valter?”
Sinko de Mayo
Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery to Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a “National Day of Mourning” which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known of course as Sinko de Mayo.
Lawyer Priest
Q: What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A: A father-in-law.
Ever-Nagging Wife
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?”
The man replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Magician
Q: What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
A: Ian.
Good at Poetry
They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far, I’ve made three jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.
Never Kiss Your Honey
Never kiss your honey
When her nose is runny
You may think it’s funny
But it’s snot.
Spartacus
Q: What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
A: Nothing. He was gladiator.
Bond, James Bond
A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond.
Chicken: “What’s your name?”
James Bond: “Bond, James Bond. What’s your name?”
Chicken: “Ken, Chick Ken.”
Potato Story
Are you ready for a potato story?
A girl potato and boy potato had eyes for each other and finally, they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called “Yam.”
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t accidentally get mashed and get a bad name for herself like “Hot Potato” and end up with a bunch of tater tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand, she wouldn’t stay home and become a couch potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And when she went out West to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, “Frito Lay.”
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Really??
As you could probably imagine, Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset. They really wanted so much better for Yam. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just…….
Are you ready for this?
A COMMON TATER