Category: Gender

God Created Women First

… And God created Woman, giving her three breasts to nurse her young.

God spoke, saying to Woman,

“Woman, I have created thee first as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe. Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?”

And Woman spoke, “Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters, and you have given me two glorious hands, feet, legs, eyes, … etc. I do not need but two breasts.”

And God said, “Thou speaks wisely, as I have given you wisdom.”

There was a bolt of lightning, and it was done. Woman stood there holding her third breast in her hand.

Woman asked, “Lord, what are we going to do with this useless boob?”

And so it was, God created man

Ahhh … Dating

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously.

“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then.”

“No, don’t be silly,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, “That’s me before the operation.”

Boys & Girls

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Dogs and Men

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what “no” means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They’re moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats!

Five Story Hotel

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”.

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thick.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long and thick.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

WHAT IF “DEAR ABBY” WAS A MAN …

Dear Abner:
My boyfriend still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.
– “Worried.”

Dear Worried:
A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy your boyfriend a Ranger bass boat and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Abner:
My fiance has too many nights out with “the boys.”
– “Alone.”

Dear Alone:
This is perfectly natural behavior and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy your fiance a new hunting rifle and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My husband wants to experience menage-a-trois with me and my sister. This seems wrong; what should I do?
– “Monogamous.”

Dear Mono:
Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing: your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?

If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a Rolex watch and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My boyfriend continually asks me to perform oral sex on him, but I was always taught this was a nasty, slutty act done only in back seats at the Drive-In.
– “Closed Mouth.”

Dear Closed:
Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting but has only ten calories-per-teaspoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, increases your breast size and gives a great glow to the skin.

Interestingly, a man instinctively knows this. His offer to allow you to perform fellatio (the scientific term) on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is excruciating for a man; just look up at his face as you are performing to observe this. This sacrifice of pain shows he loves you.

Best thing to do is to gratefully thank your boyfriend, buy him a pair of handmade rattlesnake cowboy boots and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My fiance goes straight to sleep after making love.
We have no time to talk.
– “Talkless in Tacoma.”

Dear Talkless:
Sexual intercourse is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him.

Buy your fiance a four-carat diamond tie-tack and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last sixty seconds.
– “Minute Man’s Wife.”

Dear Minute’s:
Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you.

Return this love by buying him a full set of Sears Craftsman power tools and cooking him a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My boyfriend is uninterested in foreplay; help.
– “Wham-Bam-Thank-you-Ma’am.”

Dear Wham:
Foreplay, to a man, is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love him as much as he loves you. You should be as ready as he is for lovemaking-Why must he work at getting you “in the mood” if you are truly devoted? Abandon this old wives’ tale. Make it up to your boyfriend by buying the biggest chain saw on the market and cooking a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My fiance has never given me an orgasm.
– “Frustrated.”

Dear Frustrated:
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to your fiance and show your love to him by buying a Harley-Davidson Sportster … and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.

The Way It Was …

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vain-glorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time.

But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you’re complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your ah, … physical needs. He’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advise to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Yeah, well … you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first

Men Are Like …

… Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

… Blenders.
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

… Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

… Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

… Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.

… Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

… Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

… Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

… Curling Irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

… Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

… Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

… Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

… Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

… Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

… Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.