Category: Geography

Geography of Women

Between the ages of 16-17 a woman is like Antartica. They are cold and undiscovered. Yet, No one wants the trouble of getting there!

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Different Outlooks

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

How To Identify Where Drivers Are From

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California
*with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

18 Basic Rules for Driving in Washington, DC

(1) A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in, before hitting construction barrels.
(2) Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them.
(3) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you’re going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
(4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
(5) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance: He might not have much to lose, you do.)
(6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
(7) Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up.
(8) The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make DC look progressive.
(9) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to scare people entering the highway.
(10) Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our nation’s Capitol look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
(11) Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Beltway driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
(12) Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in downtown DC.
(13) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you’re lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged. (The proceeds of such ventures are vested directly into the Democratic front-runner’s campaign for Mayor).
(14) Learn to swerve abruptly. The DC / Metro area is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to VDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.
(15) It is traditional in DC to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions.
(16) Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
(17) Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation.
(18) All unmarked exits lead to Southeast DC.

Texas in Heavan

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.

“Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

“We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex. St. Peter flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

“We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags,” said Tex.

Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

“We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it out.”

Toothbrush Invention

Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Tennessee.

Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agreed it was a simple deduction, “If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.”