Category: Medical

Musical Health Care

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn’t achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement,then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.

A Bud Lite?

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam … I know what the K-Y is for … and I know what the glove is for … but what’s the BEER for?” At that, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door flung it door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dam*it, nurse! I said a BUTT light!

Viagra Theme Songs

While Pfizer has had a lot of great press regarding the launch of Viagra, the male impotency drug, its marketing department has been working to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the media coverage has died down.

While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an important medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity.

Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.

I am a Rock
– Paul Simon

A Hard Days Night
– The Beatles

Do That To Me One More Time
– Captain and Tenille

Everlasting Love
– The Bee Gees

No Ordinary Love
– Sade

We’ve Only Just Begun
– Paul Williams

Girls Just Want To Have Fun
– Cindy Lauper

When I’m 64
– The Beatles

I’m Your Gun
– Alice Cooper

In Too Deep
– Genesis

Big Bad John
-Jimmy Dean

Here He Comes Again
– Dolly Parton

The Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A.
– Donna Fargo

Behind Closed Doors
– Charlie Rich

In The Mood
– Glen Miller

Mental Health Recording

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line while we trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 984764132184. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”

Fantasy World

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, “What was your most difficult case?”

The other replied, “I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.”

“What was the result?”

“It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!”

Green Pubes

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, “Keep off the grass.”

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Headache Cure

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and …”

He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral gratification. When she reached her peak, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.”

Two weeks go by and the man is back, “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

Motor Mechanic Class

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could. Time for the practical exam came around and he prepared carefully and completed the exam. When the results came back, he was surprised to find he had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust pipe!”

Ink Blot Test

A fellow is lying on the couch undergoing a test by the psychiatrist.

The shrink creates a blot of ink on a piece of paper, then holds it up for the patient to see, then asks, “What do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

The shrink creates another ink blot picture, then holds it up to the patient to see, and again asks, “Now, what do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

Finally, the shrink makes another picture and asks, “NOW, what do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

The shrink puts his ink and paper to one side and says, “Well, I think I know what your problem is: you simply have a dirty mind.”

And the patient says, “YOU’RE the one showing me all those dirty pictures!”