Category: Medical

Viagra Usage

A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them into her husband’s drink and her husband would be recharged! The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his drink that evening anyway.

That night they made passionate love! The next night she put two viagra’s in his drink and later the sex was astronomical!

The next night she said, “What the hell!”, and dumped the whole bottle of pills in his drink! Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient’s progress. The woman’s son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied:

“Mom’s dead, Sis left home, the maid’s pregnant, my butt hurts and my Dad is outside yelling butt-naked in the front yard, ‘HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!'”

Hope You’re Not From Alabama

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 …”, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Bigger Breasts

A lady wanted to have bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said that he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs and see how that works first. He stands up to demonstrate, holding his arms straight out to the sides, rotates them counterclockwise, and says, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.” The doctor has her try it, telling her to do it as often as she can and to come back in another week.

One week later, she went back to the doctor’s office. She told him that it didn’t work. The doctor asked her how often she did the exercise. She said that she did it four to five times a day. The doctor told her to do it more, 30 times a day at least. He told her to come back again in one more week.

She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at the Supermarket, she started her exercise. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.” The man in front of her turns around and asks her if she sees Dr. Johnson.

“Yes, how did you know?” she queries.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion and says … “Hickory dickory dock …”

Halloween

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP … BUMP … BUMP … behind him.

Walking faster he looks back and makes our the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him … BUMP … BUMP … BUMP …

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him … faster … faster … BUMP … BUMP … BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping … clappity-BUMP … clappity-BUMP … clappity-BUMP … on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything … but all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin …

… and of course, … the coffin stops!

Doctor’s Visit

This bloke goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his bum. He pulls them out and can’t resist toting up the value of the coins.

“Well”, says the doctor, “I’ve found $1999.99 up your bum.”

“Hmmm,” replies the patient, “That would explain why I’ve not been feeling too grand …”

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner?

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast, bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken’s buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he’d like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

“Well”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m starving!”

Sperm Count

A 75-year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your NEIGHBOR?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the damn jar open!”

The Nervous Tick

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry … we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”

“Really? Great! Show me!”

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He breaks it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking in a few moments.

“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!”

“Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”

“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”

“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?