An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!”
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
“Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
John Smith gets home from work one day and finds that his wife has been crying.
“What’s wrong,” he asks.
“John, promise you won’t get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I’ve got a pretty pussy.”
“WHAT?!?!” he shouts.
With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor’s office and through reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor’s office.
The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself.
Without waiting Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, “You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!”
The doctor replies, “I’m sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told you’re wife she has Acute Angina.”
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.
“Well,” said the wife coldly, “You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph’s legs, aren’t you ?”
A man and wife were playing in their club’s annual “Guys and Dolls” tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.
On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men’s. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly.
At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. “Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged three inches into your wife’s brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us.”
“What is it?” asked Mr. Davies.
“Well,” said the doctor, “we also found a golf ball lodged six inches into her anal cavity.”
The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand “Oh, that was just my Mulligan!”
An old man, Mr. Smith, resides in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. “It did? I’m sorry to hear that.” she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, “Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died.”
“It did,” he replied, “today is the viewing.”
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “an apple a day.”
5. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. “Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little “m”s on them.
And the Number 1 Sign You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO …
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
This little old lady goes to the doctor to tell him that she suspected that her husband had lost his sex drive. The doc thought that the lady was a little senile, and asked her a couple of questions. “How old are you?”
“I’m 88,” came the reply.
“And how old is your husband?”
“He’s 93,” she said.
Thinking that he was really on to something here, his next question was, “Tell me, when did you first notice that your husband lost his drive?”
The lady answered, “Last night, and again this morning.”
“HOW DID IT HAPPEN?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.
“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”
“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”
“Like I was saying … 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, “No, everything is fine.”
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“I’m sure,” I said.
“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.
“I reckon not,” I replied.
“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this 25 year old story have to do with your leg?”
“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.