Category: Relationships

Ever-Nagging Wife

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

Bus Driver

There was a nun on a bus.  The bus stops to pick up a guy. The guy sits next to the nun and says, “Hey baby, want to have sex with me?”  The nun slaps him across the face and gets off at her stop.

As the guy gets off the bus, the bus driver says, “Hey, let me talk to you man-to-man for a minute.  I see that nun praying every night at that cemetery over there at about six-thirty, if you go there dressed as God you could probably get her to have sex with you.”

The guy thanks the driver and gets off the bus.  The next night, the guy dresses up like God with the robes and waits for the nun in the graveyard.  Just as the bus driver said, the nun came to pray at around six-thirty.  The man walks up behind the nun and says, “I am God!”

The nun says, “Oh great and powerful one what can I do for you?”

The guy says, “You must have sex with me.”

The nun says, “Ok, but you must do me anally, as I must remain a virgin, true to my oath.”

The guy agrees and they have sex.

Then the guy jumps up, tears off his robes and says, “Ha, ha!  I am the guy from the bus!”

And the nun jumped up, tears off her robes and says, “Ha, ha!  I am the bus driver!”

Just Spell

A man died and arrived at the pearly gates where St. Peter waited for him. St. Peter said, “Okay, you’re already cleared to go into heaven, you just have to pass one simple test.”

“Okay,” said the man.

“All you have to do is spell the word love”

“Oh, that’s easy. L-O-V-E, ” said the man.

St. Peter replied, “Okay well you’re good to get into heaven, but do you think you could do me a favor and cover my job for a bit while I run a few errands? All you’ll have to do is when someone comes ask them how to spell love.”

“Sure,” said the man.

St. Peter left to run his errands and sure enough someone arrived at the gates. It was the man’s wife. The man asked his wife what she was doing here and how she died.

“Well,” she said, “I was really depressed when you died and I just didn’t see any point in living without you, so I thought I’d kill myself and come spend all of eternity with you.”

“Sure, honey,” said the man, “all you have to do is pass one test.”

“Okay, what do I have to do?” said his wife.

“Just spell the word, ‘Chrysanthemum’.”

Sunday Sex

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

Easter

John L. Smith marries Sara H. Goldberg, after the wedding ceremony they go to their honeymoon suite. They both get undressed with Sara expecting incredible wedding night bliss.

John says, “I can’t do it tonight, its still Lent.”

Sara replies, “Oh my God, to whom and for how long.”