Category: Relationships

An old man and his wife are going on a vacation, but they need to stop on the way for the night. They decide to stop at a hotel.

The husband says, “Damm, honey, I’m tired. Why don’t we just go to bed?”

His wife replies, with a sly smile: “I have something that will keep you awake.”

The husband exchanges the smile, and says, “Okay, but let me get ready. They go up to their room, and the husband goes into the bathroom. The wife hears some moaning and groaning, and she thinks that her husband is getting “ready”.

He finally comes out and they screw for several hours. The wife notices that the husband is being very agressive that night; he seems to be licking everywhere, shoving it in and out with great gusto, and grunting nearly the whole time.

Finally, they both stop, and lay back, panting. The wife says: My, honey you were very active tonight.”

The husband heads toward the door, but at the entrance he stops, turns, and takes off a mask that is an exact replica of her real husbands face.

The man says with a grin: “Man, you really know how to work it. By the way, your husband is in the bathtub.”

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies
together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to
receive you.” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But … but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “The little bastards!”

A guy is talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, “What’s your name?”
She says, “Carmen.”
He says, “That’s a nice name. Who named you, your mother?”
She replies, “No, I named myself.”
He says, “Why Carmen?”
She says, “Because I like cars and I like men. What’s your name?”

He replies, “Beerfuck.”

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a very cold day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heatwill warm them up.”

The daughter did as she was told and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he said, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The girl replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.”

So he did, and warmed his hands.

The following frigid day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, “My nose is really cold.”

The girl replied, “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” So he did, and warmed his nose.

The next below-freezing day the boyfriend was again riding with the daughter (there isn’t much else to do in Amish-country) and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and said, “Have you ever heard of a penis?”

Slightly concerned, the mother said, “Why yes. Why do you ask?”

The daughter replied, “Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?”

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball … stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”