There are three things a woman should never do in bed:
1. Smoke.
2. Eat crackers.
3. Point and giggle.
Category: Relationships
Three Friends Stranded in the Desert
Once there were three friends stranded in the desert because their car blew up. They were deserted for two months with nothing to eat but their own shoes and hair. Once they were completely bald and barefoot one of the guys tripped over a magic lamp.
“LET’S EAT IT!” said the 2nd guy.
“YES, YES LET’S EAT THE YUMMY DELICOUS LAMP.” said the 3rd guy.
“WAIT! Are you guys nuts?!” asked the 1st guy.
“Yes, why?” they both replied.
“WE WILL BE SWIMMING IN HOT DOGS AND CORN NUTS BECAUSE THIS IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A GENIE IN IT!”
“YEAH HOT DOGS AND CORN NUTS!”
They rubbed the lamp.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU FOOLS?!?” the genie yelled.
“Wishes sir”
“Okey dokey. You get one wish each.”
1st guy: I WANNA GO HOME
2nd: TAKE ME HOME
3rd: I’m bored I wish all of my friends were back here with me.
10 dollars is Alot
John and Linda went to the annual state fair. There was a booth in which a pilot gave you a ride in a real plane and did flips for you. A REAL plane. So John told Linda he wanted to go on the ride. But Linda said, “John, it costs 10 dollars for 2 people. 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”
The next year they came back and the ride was still there. John asked Linda hopefully but Linda replied, “10 dollars is still 10 dollars.”
The next year they went to the fair again and the ride was still there. John and Linda had the same talk as the past two years, “Ten dollars is ten dollars” Linda said for the third time. The pilot of the plane overheard the conversation. He went to them and said, “I’ll tell you what … I’ll give you that ride for free if you promise not to say anything while the plane is in the air or else it will still cost you ten dollars…”
John was excited. The pilot did flips and turns and dives in the air for John and Linda. They didn’t say a word. Finally, the pilot landed. He turned to John and said, “I tried everything I could but you didnt say anything … your ride is free.” John replied, “I was going to say something when linda fell out of the plane … but 10 dollars is 10 dollars …”
The Fun Sunday School Teacher
A Sunday School teacher goes on a blind date.
While at dinner her date asks her if she would like some wine. She says, “No, what would my Sunday School kids say?”
So, they go on with their date. Later they are at the carnival and they were having a great time. He asks her, “Would you like a cigaratte?” She asks, “What would my kids say?” So she didn’t take one.
Well, on the way home after the date, they pass a motel. He looks at her and she looks at him and they both smile. He asks, “Do you wanna stop.” She just smiled big and he says, “I guess thats a yes.” So they stayed at the motel.
The next morning when he takes her home, he asks, “What are you going tell your Sunday School kids?” She says I tell them you don’t have to smoke or drink to have a good time.
Rainy Day Affair
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. She looked out the window and yelled to her lover. Quick jump out the window. My husband’s home early!!
“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets “It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
So he started running alongside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, which had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free.”
Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
“Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Nope………just when it’s raining.”
Jackson Similarities
Q: How are Michael and Janet Jackson the same?
A: Both take advantage of young boys.
French Cuisine
A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
After the waiter arrives the man says, “I’LL have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak.”
The waiter replies “But monsieur … what about ze mad cow?”
The man replies, “She’ll have a salad.”
Death Bed Truths
A man was on his death bed. His wife was stroking his hand lovingly and speaking gentle words to him for the last time.
“I gotta tell you something honey” said the man very weakly.
“No sweetie, it’s all right, relax” replied the woman.
The man took a deep breath and said, “I have to say that I cheated on you with your sister, your mother and your aunt!!”
The wife cooed, “Sssshhhh, I know, just relax and let the poison do its job.”
Voodoo Penis
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, “Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except—” and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”
“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said “Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.”
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said “Voodoo Penis, return to box!”
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!” The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, “Yeah, right… Voodoo Penis, my ass.”
The rest is history.
Nice Ass
An eldery couple were siting on a bench in a park when a beautiful blonde with a very short skirt were passing by. The old man was looking at her legs and even the ass that could be seen because of the unusual short skirt she was wearing.
The old woman (his wife) said: What are you looking at? You like her ass ha?
No, the old man replied, I was looking at her shoes.
Oh yeah, said his wife, OK what color were the shoes?
The old man caught in the middle replies: The ass’ color?!!