Category: Sports

Golf Story

A good ‘ol boy businessman found himself in the same foursome as Ben Hogan at a pro-am. After watching Hogan hit a four iron to a par three of some 190 yards and having it check abruptly not 10 feet from the pin he saunterd over to Ben and put his arm around his shoulder.

Unaware of Hogans rather surly demeanor and sharp wit he asked how he, Hogan, had managed to hit this remarkable shot and if he too could learn how to do it.

Hogan turned after removing the man’s arm and asked him just how far he hit HIS four iron. The ‘ol boy replied quite happily that he could manage about 150 to 160 yards whereupon Hogan uttered, “Then I see no reason as to why you would NEED to learn that shot.” and turned on his heel and walked away.

LOFT

One day the golf pro at the club was playing golf with three members and on the first tee the first member hits a big hook into the woods on the left and turns and asks the pro, “What causes that, Pro?” And the pro replys, “LOFT.”

The next member gets up and hits a big slice into the water on the right and turns and asks the pro, “What causes that, Pro?” And the pro replys, “LOFT.”

The last member gets up and hits a worm burner down the middle and turns and ask the pro, “What causes that, Pro?” And the pro replys, “LOFT.”

The member gets irate and says, “Look pro, Bob hits a hook and you say LOFT, Bill hits a slice and you say LOFT, and I dripple it down the middle and you say LOFT. What is this LOFT?”

The pro says “LOFT, you know, Lack Of Frigging Talent.”

Cigarettes for the Wife

A man’s wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed.

He went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She looked a lot like Karyn, she was tall, radiant, and very funny. Well, so they had a couple of beers, one thing lead to another and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean how could he resist such a women.

They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they’d had made love for hours, the man realized it was 3:00 a.m. and said, “Oh no … its so late, my wife’s going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?”

She thought to herself, talcum powder, what does he want with that? But she gave him some anyway, which he proceeded to rub on his hands and then he went home.

When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy was she ever mad.

“Where the hell have you been?” she yelled at him.

“Well, honey, its like this. Honey, you know I love you, I can’t lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending machine.

While I was there, I met this most amazing women. She was so beautiful and well we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place, and honey, I’m sorry …

I’ve been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another women”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and she said, “You damn liar!!! You went bowling again, didn’t you!!”

Rabbi Golfer

An Orthodox rabbi lived a pious and exemplary life. Besides his learning, he had one true passion: he loved to play golf. So when a friend of his wangled an invitation to play a round at an ultra exclusive Country Club that normally did not invite people of the rabbi’s religious persuasion, he jumped at the chance, until he found out that the round was scheduled for Saturday, which of course is his Sabbath and on which day he was forbidden to do ANY work, including the “work” of playing golf. He tossed and turned with his dilemma, until greed won out, and he duly appeared at the Country Club early Saturday morning.

A passing angel looked down and saw the rabbi getting ready to tee off on the first hole. Profoundly disturbed, the angel runs to God and tells him what is about to take place. God says: “Don’t worry. I’ll teach him a lesson but good.” So on the first hole the rabbi drives 415 yards for a hole-in-one!

“What kind of a lesson was THAT?”, queried the angel.

God’s response was, “Who can he tell?”.

Cell Phones

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, “Oh, that’s the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?”

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. “A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders of German know-how!”

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles. “What on earth are you doing?!” asks the American.

The Japanese fellow looks up and replies “Waiting for a fax.”

Golf Round

A man and wife were playing in their club’s annual “Guys and Dolls” tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.

On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men’s. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly.

At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. “Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged three inches into your wife’s brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us.”

“What is it?” asked Mr. Davies.

“Well,” said the doctor, “we also found a golf ball lodged six inches into her anal cavity.”

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand “Oh, that was just my Mulligan!”

Golf Aim

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball already!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man-you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

Out Playing Golf

One Day when Jesus and Moses were out playing golf, they decided to have a contest to see who could make the most outstanding shot.

Moses decided to go first. He hammered his shot straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball fell into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky and the water parted. The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its goal.

Jesus looked at Moses and said, “Hey Moses, that was a pretty good show. Now let me see what I can do.” Jesus took his shot and sent the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus’ ball headed straight for the water hazard. Jesus held out one hand, and instead of the ball dropping into the water, it bounced on top of the water, rolled up on the green only three inches from the cup.

Moses said, “Wow, that was an incredible shot!” No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies grew dark and the wind started to pick up. Lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly a ball fell from the sky into the same water hazard. Just as quickly, a fish came by and swallowed the ball. An eagle flying overhead swooped down, grabbed the fish with his talons, and headed for the now darkened sky. Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he dropped the fish onto the green. The fish opened his mouth, the ball rolled out and dropped into the hole.

Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, “Man! I hate it when your Dad plays along!”

Super Bowl Sunday

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He’s closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he is to the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”

The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”

The man replies, “well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.”

“Well, that’s really sad,” said Joe, “but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”