Category: Sports

Paratroopers

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day he phoned his father to tell him the news.

“So, did you jump?” the father asked.

“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane and the Sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!”

“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.

“Ummm, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”

“Did you jump then?” asked the father.

“I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.”

“So, did you jump?” the father asked again.

“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five. He said to me, “Boy, are you going to jump, or not?” I said, “No, Sir! I’m too scared.” So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long!!! He said, “Boy!!, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this up your ass!

“So, did you jump?” asked the father.

…………”Well, a little, at first.”

Golf Lessons

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?,” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”

“What can I do?” asks the wife.

“Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”

The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.

“That was great,” the pro says with a straight face. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you’re supposed to!”

Lake Isabella

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Blind WalMart Associate

A woman goes into Walmart to buy her husband a rod and reel set. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the cash register. There is a Walmart “Associate” standing there wearing dark sunglasses. The lady says, “Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.” She didn’t believe him, but dropped the rod and reel on the counter anyway. The cashier said, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Penn 202 reel and 12 lb. Test line…it’s a good all-around rod and reel, and it’s on sale for $20.00.”

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s just what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it.” The cashier walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime, the woman farts.

At first, she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way the cashier could tell it was her, being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50, please, Ma’am.”

She says, “But didn’t you say it was on sale for $20.00?”

He replies, “Yes Ma’am, the rod and reel are on sale for $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink-bait is $2.50.”