Category: Work

Hello …

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me …”

Who’s Who

One morning, a mailman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room. The housewife explained that she’d had a party the night before, they had played a game called “Who’s Who,” in which each of the men had put their “equipment” through the hole and the women had tried to guess their identity.

“Gee, that sounds like fun,” said the mailman. “Sure wish I’d been there.”

“You should have been,” the housewife informed him. “Your name came up three times.”

Serving the Public

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the pharmacist, “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”

“Yeah, sure. So?” said the officer.

“Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?”

Wal-Mart Announcement

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,

e.g. “I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter.”

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: (I kid you not)

“I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.”

Wanna Bet

Three guys working on a high rise building project, Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says,”Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bill says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.” Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me, Charlie.”

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer.”

Bill says,” Well not exactly, I said to her, when she answered the door, “You must be Steve’s widow.”

She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a 6-pack?”

Office Phrases Explained

It is in process:
So wrapped in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

Will advise you in due course:
If we figure it out, we’ll let you know.

We are aware of it:
We had hoped that the fool who started it would have forgotten about it by this time.

It’s under consideration:
Never heard of it.

Under active consideration:
We are looking in the files for it.

We are making a survey:
We need more time to think of an answer.

Let’s get together on this:
I’m assuming you’re as confused as I am.

Please note and initial:
Let’s spread the responsibility for this.

Give us the benefit of your present thinking:
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already decided to do.

Give us your interpretation:
Your warped opinion will be pitted against your adversary’s good sense.

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

8. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable … Time to up my medication.

17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message …

19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Are You Kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”