Sober Driving

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”

“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man, the man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

Don’t Lie to Your Mother

John’s mother was visiting from a nearby town. During dinner one evening, his mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and the roommate and this only made her curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thought, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I’m not saying that you “did” take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying that you “did not” take a gravy ladle; but the fact remains, that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Love,
John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Julie, but the fact remains, that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now
Love,
Mom

Dead Dog Day

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, “$650.

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

New Error Messages for Windows Machines

“The Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

The Catholic Service

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

“Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I am so very sorry to hear about your dog’s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there’s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick: “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!”

Male Quiz

Enjoy if you are a woman, If you happen to be a man, take notice.

For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects

Breast Humor

[Finally, something other than smiley faces…. :)]

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

o/o/ Grandma’s breasts

( – )( – ) flat against the shower door breasts

|o||o| android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy’s breasts

Democrat Salesman

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.

He yelled out the window to the salesman, “Need a lift?”

“Yes, I do,” replied the salesman.

“Are you a Democrat or Republican?” asked the old man.

“A Republican,” replied the salesman.

“Get screwed!” yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, “Republican.” The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful
blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.

“Democrat!” shouted the salesman.

“Hop in!” replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him – the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up
her thighs.

Finally, he yells “STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!”

She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

“What’s the matter?” she asks.

“I can’t take it!” he replies. “I’ve only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I’ve only just met!”