Tag: Story

Planeload of Blondes

A planeload of blondes was flying from California to New York in a four engine plane when the captain came on the intercom and said that there would be a 30 minute delay because one of the engines quit working. A little while later the captain came on again and said there would be a 60 minute delay because another engine quit working. Ten minutes later he came on again and said now we will be one hour and 30 minutes late due to the fact that the third engine stopped also.

Just then one blonde turned to another one and said, “Boy if that fourth engine quits we’ll be up here forever.”

Wanna Bet

Three guys working on a high rise building project, Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says,”Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bill says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.” Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me, Charlie.”

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer.”

Bill says,” Well not exactly, I said to her, when she answered the door, “You must be Steve’s widow.”

She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a 6-pack?”

Hospital Bill

On my way out of the hospital I stopped by the office to pay my bill. My room was $575 a day, my medication was $325 a day, my test totalled $2,800 and the doctor cost $1,800.

I said, “They must think I’m crazy!”

The clerk responded, “I guess not sir, there’s no charge on here for psychological evaluation.”

Rules For Cats That Have A House To Run

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it’s raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human’s bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”; humans are known to refer to it as hampering”.

The following are the rules for “helping”:

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

Two Married Buddies

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ … and she’s always sound asleep.”

Blonde On A Date

A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a “lovers point” where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, “Do you want to go in the back seat?” “NO!” she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she’s not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, “Do you want to go in the back seat?” “NO!” she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they’re both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. “Do you want to go in the back seat?” he asks again. “NO!” she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands “Well, why not!” She answers, “Because I want to stay up here with you!”

Guilty Conscience

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him – “Howard. Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won’t be the last.” …

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality — “Howard. You’re a veterinarian.”

Golfers in Love

A man and a woman meet on vacation and quickly fall in love. At the trip’s end, they decide to open up to each other.

“It’s only fair to warn you, Jody,” Bill says. “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf.”

“Well, I’ll be honest, too,” Jody says. “I’m a hooker.”

The man looks crestfallen for a moment, then says, “Are you keeping your wrists straight?”

I’ve Done A Very Bad Thing

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. They’re fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”

As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says “Mommy, I’ve done a very weird thing!”

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, “I passed a bullet into the toilet.”

The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

The mother says, “Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, “Yes, how did you know?”

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

“You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”

“No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!”

Three Dogs At The Vet

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks, “why are you here?” The schnauzer responds, “I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well. I’ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I’m too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The schnauzer asks the poodle, “why are you here?” The poodle responds, “I’ve not been myself lately. I’ve been especially high strung. I’ve been barking all the time, I’ve been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor’s kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can’t risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The poodle and schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds, “My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I’m on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn’t help myself.”

The poodle asks: “so your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?”

The Great Dane says: “No, I’m just here to get my nails trimmed.”