Tag: Story

Are You Kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Train Departure

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we’re going down the tracks!”

The mother went into the living room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language.”

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

Then, the child added, “And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Paratroopers

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day he phoned his father to tell him the news.

“So, did you jump?” the father asked.

“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane and the Sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!”

“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.

“Ummm, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”

“Did you jump then?” asked the father.

“I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.”

“So, did you jump?” the father asked again.

“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five. He said to me, “Boy, are you going to jump, or not?” I said, “No, Sir! I’m too scared.” So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long!!! He said, “Boy!!, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this up your ass!

“So, did you jump?” asked the father.

…………”Well, a little, at first.”

White House Parrot

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot.

“Does this parrot talk?” she asked.” Yes, he does,” the manager told her. “But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?” she asked.

“Well, ma’am,” the manager told her, “not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse and his language is terrible.”

“Well, I want him,” she said. “Suit yourself,” the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, “New house, new madam.” Hillary laughed.

Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. “New house, new whores,” the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird’s history, they too, laughed at him.

A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, “Hi Bill.”

Jocks vs. Nerds

The answer to the eternal question, “Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?”

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you ‘d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He’ll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.

This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn’t it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Elevator Snobs

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!” The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, “Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks to both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts … and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software
Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

“We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,” said Gates. “The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.”

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company’s new on-line service, “we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time” and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. “You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.”

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter’s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, “Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,” the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors’ access to these key intellectual properties.

“The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,” said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. “You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.”

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. “The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,” notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission is to reach “the four corners of the earth,” echoing MICROSOFT’s vision of “a computer on every desktop and in every home”.

Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — “One religion, a couple of different implementations,” said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

An Unusual Cuckoo Clock

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told the misses that I would be home by midnight … promise!

Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness — even when smashed — to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, “Well, it cuckooed three times, said, ‘dang it,’ cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled.”

Elderly Odor

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they didn’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.”

“Good”, the doctor said, now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”