Tag: Top 10/Lists

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

8. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable … Time to up my medication.

17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message …

19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

What Kind Of Penis Do You Have?

What Kind Of Penis Do You Have? (or for the ladies … what’s your preference?)

The Absolut Vodka penis: It’s absolut’ perfection.
The Alkaseltzer penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz … Oh, what a relief it is…
The All-State penis: You’re in good hands.
The American Express penis: Don’t leave home without it.
The Andrex Penis: Soft, Strong, and very very long
The AOL penis: It’s so easy to use, no wonder it’s #1?
The AT&T penis: Reach out and touch someone.
The Avis penis: Trying harder than ever.

The Barq’s penis: the one with bite.
The beef penis: it’s what’s for dinner.
The Bud Lite penis: great taste, less filling.
The Barney penis: It says “I love you!”
The Beatles penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Beavis penis: Look! it’s changing color!
The Beef penis: It’s what’s for dinner.
The Bic Lighter penis: Go ahead flick my bic!
The Big Red penis: It’s longer with big red.
The Borden penis: It’s GOT to be good.
The Bounty penis: The quicker picker-upper.
The Budweiser penis: This bud’s for you!
The Burger King penis: Have it your way..
The Burger King penis: It takes two hands to handle a whopper.

The C&C music factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm…
The California Lotto penis: Who’s next?
The Calloway Putter penis: It will improve your stroke.
The Cambells soup penis: Mmm mmm good!
The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!
The Champion penis: The official penis of the ’96 U.S.A olympic team.
The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it is longer.
The Charmin penis: Don’t squeeze the penis!
The Chevy penis: Like a rock.
The Chips Ahoy penis: Betcha bite a chip. (huh?)
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch penis: Its the adult thing to do.
The Citibank visa penis: It’s everywhere you want to be.
The CNN Sports Illustrated penis: As interactive as you can get without
getting bruised.
The Cobain penis: It blows itself away.
The Coca Cola penis: Always the Real Thing.
The Crest penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.

The Dairy Queen penis: Hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)
The Dial penis: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?
The Diet Pepsi penis: You got the right one, baby.
The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it…
The Dodge Neon penis: There’s a “lot more to love!”
The Domino’s Pizza penis: Delivers in 30 minutes or less!
The Doublemint penis: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Downey Penis: Come on Downey

The Extra penis: lasts an extra extra extra long time
The Energizer penis: It keeps going and going…
The Erricson Cell Phone penis: Whip out your little one.
The Equal penis: Tastes like Sugar.
The Excedrin penis: It’s tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Extra penis: Lasts an extra extra extra long time!

The Flintstone’s Vitamins penis: 10 million strong and growing!
The Ford penis: The best never rest.
The Franks Red Hot Sauce penis: It’s the oooh without the ouch.
The Frosted Flakes penis: They’re GGGRRRRREEEAAATTT!
The Fruit-by-the Foot penis: Need I say more?
The FTD penis: Some of life’s best moments come FTD.

The General Electric penis: We bring good things to life!
The Generic penis: One size fits all.
The George of the Jungle penis: Watch out for that….tree?
The Gillette penis: The best a man can get.
The GMC Envoy penis: It’s the real mcCoy.
The GMC Yukon penis: Beautifully designed. Powerfully built. Genetically
engineered.

The Hardees Breakfast penis: Rise and shine.

The Insinkerator Disposal penis: The choice of 9 out of 10 professionals.

The Jell-O penis: Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle…
The Jewel penis: Take a new look at an old friend.
The Jolly Green *Giant* penis: Self-explanatory
The Juicy Fruit penis: The taste is gonna move ya.
The Just For Men penis: A sure thing for a natural look.

The Kix penis: Kid tested, mother approved.

The Lays penis: Betcha can’t eat just one!
The Life penis: Mikey likes it.
The Life Call penis: It’s fallen and it can’t get up.
The Little Caesar’s penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!
The Lucky Charms penis: It’s magically delicious!
The Luv’s penis: It’ll take a load off your mind.

The Mars Penis: A mars a day helps you work, rest and play.
The Matthew Sweet penis: 100% fun.
The Macintosh penis: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
The Magnavox penis: Smart. Very Smart.
The McDonald’s penis: Over 10 billion served.
The McDonald’s penis: Have you had your break today?
The MCI penis: For friends and family!
The Men’s Healthy Magazine penis: It’s a perfect fit.
The MicroMachines penis: A whole world, in the palm your hand.
The Microsoft penis: Where do you want to go today?
The Milk penis: It does a body good!
The Miller Lite penis: Great taste, less filling.
The M&M penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!
The Monty Python penis: “isn’t awfully nice to have a penis”
The Monty Python penis II: “Every sperm is sacred….”
The Mortal Kombat penis: Nothing can prepare you.

The NBA on TNT penis: Ever want something so bad it hurts?
The New York Lotto penis: Cause hey – you never know.
The Newport penis: It’s alive with pleasure.
The Nike penis: Just do it.
The Nintendo penis: Now you’re playing with power.
The Nuprin penis: Little, Yellow, Different.
The Nyquil penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing,runny nose, itching,
burning, so you can’t rest penis.

The Payday penis: Its almost totally nuts!
The Phillips MOM penis: It’s always stimulant free.
The Pillsbury Flour penis: It comes plain or self rising.
The Pizza Hut penis: Makin’ it great.
The Pontiac penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps!
The Portofino Bay penis: Extraordinary. Exciting. Exceptional.
The Post Selects Cereal penis: Not everything that goes into “Post Selects”
fits.
The Power of Cheese penis: Just saying it is enough to make you smile.
The Pringles penis: Once you pop, you can’t stop…
The Psychic penis: It knows you are coming before you do..
The Purdue penis: More meat, less bone.

The Ragu penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Reach Toothbrush penis: It cleans hard to reach places.
The Reese’s penis: How do you eat your penis?
The Rice Krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?
The Right Guard penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
The Robitussin penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.
The Robutussin penis: Recommended by Dr. Mom…

The Sanka penis: Good to the last drop!
The Sears penis: Come see the softer side.
The Secret penis: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
The Sega penis: PENIS!
The Siskel & Ebert penis: 2 thumbs up…
The Slim Fast penis: Helps you loose weight, makes you feel great.
The Snickers penis: It satisfies you.
The Springmaid penis: Makes you snore like a lady.
The Sprite penis: Image is nothing… Taste is everything.
The Starburst penis: The juice is loose!
The Star Trek penis: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
The Subaru All Wheel Drive penis: You can put it where the sun don’t shine.
The Sustecal penis : More protein, less fat!

The Taco Bell penis: Get some; make a run for the border!
The Timex penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on…….
The Tombstone penis: What would you like on your penis?
The Tootsie Roll Pop penis: How many licks DOES it take …?
The Toyota penis: I love what you do for me!
The Toyota penis: Oh,what a feeling.
The Transformers penis: It’s more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler penis: It makes mouths happy.

The Uncle Sam penis: We want you.

The Viagra penis: It lets the dance begin.
The Virginia Slims penis: You’ve come a long way, baby!

The Wendy’s penis: Where’s the beef?
The Wizard of Oz penis: “Oh my!”

The Yellow Pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.

Pregnancy Questions and Answers

Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Office Phrases Explained

It is in process:
So wrapped in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

Will advise you in due course:
If we figure it out, we’ll let you know.

We are aware of it:
We had hoped that the fool who started it would have forgotten about it by this time.

It’s under consideration:
Never heard of it.

Under active consideration:
We are looking in the files for it.

We are making a survey:
We need more time to think of an answer.

Let’s get together on this:
I’m assuming you’re as confused as I am.

Please note and initial:
Let’s spread the responsibility for this.

Give us the benefit of your present thinking:
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already decided to do.

Give us your interpretation:
Your warped opinion will be pitted against your adversary’s good sense.

Marriage One-Liners

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
— Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
— Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”
— Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a for giving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Top 35 Oxymorons

35. State worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Butt Head
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Compassionate Conservative
16. “Now, then …”
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance

And the number one top Oxymoron….

1. Microsoft Works

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? – You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It’s Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won’t Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket – It’s Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let’s Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You’re About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your ’70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won’t Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What “Fourth Down and Ten” Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald’s
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don’t Fall Under the “Action/Adventure” Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. “I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!”: Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let’s Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let’s Clean Under the Bed
25. “I Don’t Know”: Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It’s Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It’s Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn’t Mean You Can Fix It

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Iraq

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing,…yet.

Q: Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52…F-16…B-1… F-111… F-117… B-2

Q: What is Iraq’s national bird?
A: Duck

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can’t turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: “How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
A: “We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.”

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What’s the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

45 Fun Elevator Activities

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
3. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side-to-side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Shave.
7. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
8. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
9. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
10. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
11. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
12. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
13. Do Tai Chi exercises.
14. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
15. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
16. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
17. Meow, occasionally.
18. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
19. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go!” then sigh and say “Oops!”
20. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
21. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
22. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
23. Walk on with a cooler that says “Human Head” on the side.
24. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
25. Leave a box between the doors.
26. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
27. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers, with it.
28. Start a sing-along.
29. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
30. Play the harmonica.
31. Shadow box.
32. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
33. Lean against the button panel.
34. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
35. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
36. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space””
37. Bring a chair along.
38. Blow spit bubbles.
39. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
40. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
41. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
42. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
43. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
44. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”
45. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”